I think I just saw someone hide a body.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
