I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
