The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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