Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
