listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
