At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
