I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
