the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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