i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize