just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
