The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
