when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
