I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
