this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
