My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
