I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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