its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
being pregnant is like rehab
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
