it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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