please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
