i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
