How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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