your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
