I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
