I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
