yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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