I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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