im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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