She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
