Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
zippers are such a cool invention
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
