i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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