I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
