I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
