SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
