He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Couch. On fire.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
