and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
