Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
