did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
