a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
