dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
