I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize