my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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