I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
