Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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