So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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