Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
