I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
