speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
