He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
