life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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