how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
