they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
