I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
