i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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