his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
