If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
