i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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