Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
