We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The power of my boobs compel you
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
