Whod you bang
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
