so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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