plz talk dirty to me
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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