I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
