I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize