I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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