Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
