when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
