just come out here and I will go home with you...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
