can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
