If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
